Ban All Holy Days!

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Jan 7, 2009 2 Comments ›› John Eidsmoe

Ban All Holy Days!


December 25 is now history, and the combatants in the “Christmas wars” have laid down their arms until next year. But the issues are far from resolved, and the conflict is far from over. Look for the guns to sound again come next December.

The problem with a ban on “Merry Christmas” is that it doesn’t go far enough. To be consistent (though that is a rare virtue these days), we should consider banning all holidays that might offend someone. In fact, the very term holiday comes from “holy day.” For that reason alone, the fact that a day has been designated a holiday should be sufficient to place it in a suspect class and require strict scrutiny for its justification.

Looking at my 2009 calendar, I find many holidays at which some might take offense.

New Year’s Day is an observance of the Gregorian calendar, an offense to those who don’t accept the Gregorian calendar, who don’t accept Jesus Christ as the central focus of human history, and who are offended by a calendar named after a Roman Catholic Pope. Let’s ban it.

January 19, Martin Luther King Day, is offensive to racists. Some might say racists deserve to be offended, but what right have we to be judgmental? Besides, the day is also used to celebrate the birth of Robert E. Lee, and this is offensive to Yankees. And if that weren’t enough, King’s full title is Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. We can have a holiday honoring a reverend! Have we forgotten separation of church and state? Let’s ban it.

February 2, Ground Hog Day, could be offensive to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and others who think it is demeaning to ground hogs and also to those who think we should celebrate (or demean) another animal instead. Let’s ban it.

February 8 is Boy Scout Day. But here’s a dirty little secret: A Scout is reverent. Can’t have that. Let’s ban it.

February 12, Lincoln’s birthday, is offensive to Southern secessionists, to Northerners who think Lincoln didn’t push Reconstruction hard enough, and to others who think Lincoln usurped powers in violation of the Constitution. Let’s ban it.

February 22, Washington’s birthday, is offensive to those who think Jefferson should have been our first President, and also to those who think the War for Independence was mean-spirited. Can you imagine how an Englishman must feel if he has to be in the United States on George Washington’s birthday? We could balance Washington’s birthday with Benedict Arnold Day, or King George III Day, but that could offend others. Let’s just ban it.

Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays have now been combined into President’s Day, February 16. But this offends anyone who is offended at anything that any President has ever done, and also offends those who didn’t realize that every President was born on Monday. Let’s ban it.

February 24, Mardi Gras, actually means Fat Tuesday. Ignoring the fact that this is offensive to obese persons, Fat Tuesday originated as a day of indulgence in fatty foods before beginning Lent. And someone who indulged on Fat Tuesday might feel guilty and be tempted to observe Lent. Obviously unconstitutional.  Let’s ban it.

February 25, Ash Wednesday, offends all who do not want to observe the events leading to the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, and also to those who are allergic to ashes. Zoroastrians may also be offended, because ashes come from fire and Zoroastrians regard fire as a sacrament.  Let’s ban it.

March 8 the day Daylight Savings Time begins, offends those who don’t want to get up an hour earlier (or later), offends those who object to any interference with God’s time, and unduly burdens those who complain that the extra hour of sunlight burns the grass on their lawns.  Let’s ban it.

March 17, St. Patrick’s Day, offends some who are not Irish. It sends a message of exclusion to those who are not Irish, causing them to believe that, at least on March 17, they are second-class citizens and not fully part of society. It also offends Scots who insist that St. Patrick was really a Scotsman, and it offends Englishmen who object to the work of St. Patrick in Christianizing Ireland and developing a Biblically-based written legal code for Ireland in advance of anything England had at the time. In his travels, Patrick distributed copies of the law of Moses to the various lords and judges, Christian and Druid. And after all, he was a saint! That alone is sufficient reason to ban it.

March 20, the first day of spring, is the day the pagan Celts and Germans celebrated the equinox with bonfires, orgies, sacrifices, and other pagan rituals. They haven’t done much of this for over a thousand years, but a non-pagan might be offended, so let’s ban it.

April 1, April Fools’ Day, demeans and degrades fools. It has also been designated a special day for atheists. Some theists might feel excluded by this, and likewise some atheists could be offended by the designation of a day that shows them for what they really are.  Let’s ban it.

April 9, Palm Sunday; April 13, Passover; April 14, Good Friday; April 16, Easter. Obviously offensive. I will not say why, because then I would have to mention God and that would offend someone. Sorry about the bunnies and eggs and other pagan fertility symbols, but that’s the way it goes.  Let’s ban them.

April 15 is Income Tax Day. We have to find some reason to ban this day … I’ve got it! A good portion of our taxes go to pay salaries for government workers, and some of those government workers may give a portion of their income to churches. To be perfectly honest, that’s not my real reason for wanting to ban Income Tax Day, but it’s reason enough.

April 22, Administrative Professionals Day, sends a message of exclusion to those who are not administrators or who are unprofessional, and also is a burden on those who are required to buy flowers for administrative professionals or take them to lunch.  Let’s ban it.

April 22 is also Earth Day, and many are reviving the old pagan practice of worshipping Gaia, the Earth Goddess. Clearly religious; we have to ban it.

May 1, May Day, was an old pagan celebration, and even though the Communist Party took it over and made it into International Workers’ Day, it still hasn’t entirely lost its pagan religious trappings. Besides, many atheists claim atheism is a religion. To be on the safe side, we’d better ban May Day.

May 10, Mother’s Day, sends a message of exclusion to men, lesbians, and all who are not mothers.  Let’s ban it.

May 20, Armed Forces Day, endorses violence and sends a message of exclusion for those who didn’t have the courage to serve their country. And some of those soldiers are chaplains.  Let’s ban it.

May 25, Memorial Day, sends a message of exclusion to those who didn’t die for their country. Besides, the gravestones for many of these veterans display crosses.  Let’s ban it.

June 14, Flag Day, offends flag burners and their ilk. It could even lead to patriotism. Even worse, it could lead someone to say the Pledge of Allegiance, with that repugnant phrase “under God.”  Let’s ban it.

June 19 is celebrated as Juneteenth, the day the Emancipation Proclamation was read to freed slaves in Texas. The Proclamation invokes the “gracious favor of Almighty God” and speaks of the “year of our Lord” three times.  Let’s ban it.

June 21, Father’s Day, demeans women and gays, and also demeans fathers because the day usually doesn’t produce as much revenue at the cash registers as does Mother’s Day.  Let’s ban it.

June 21, the First Day of Summer, is the pagan summer solstice (see March 20) and is discouraging to skiers and others who prefer cold weather.  Let’s ban it.

July 4, Independence Day, offends those who don’t like the sound of firecrackers. Even worse, can you imagine how this day demeans those who can trace their ancestors to Tories? Observance of this day could lead impressionable young people to read the Declaration of Independence and be exposed to such offensive phrases as “the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God,” “All men are created equal,” “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,” “appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world,” and “firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence.”  We have to ban it.

July 14 is Bastille Day, celebrates the French Revolution in which a mob of atheist thugs stormed the prison known as the Bastille to free the prisoners (all 7 of them) and proceeded to launch a bloody reign of terror and chaos until finally the dictatorship of Napoleon restored order. But we can’t celebrate this holiday because the revolutionaries took a young prostitute, placed her on a throne in the Notre Dame Cathedral, and crowned her as the “Goddess of Reason.” Clearly religious;  let’s ban it.

August? My calendar shows no holidays during the month of August. This is blatant discrimination against the month of August, and also offends those who shudder at the thought of having to work all month while getting ready for another school year. Also, the hot days of August are often called “dog days” because the constellation Sirius rises and sets with the sun at that time; this could offend dog-lovers, or cat-lovers, or somebody.  Let’s ban the whole month.

September 7, Labor Day, sends a message of exclusion to those who don’t want to work, and might even be construed as promoting the Puritan work ethic.  Let’s ban it.

September 17, Constitution Day, honors 55 dead white males, sends a message of exclusion to those who favored the Articles of Confederation, and could encourage impressionable young people to read the Constitution and learn of its limitations on governmental powers. And it closes with the words, “Done in convention … in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty-seven… .” That’s an unmistakable reference to Jesus Christ.  Let’s ban it.

September 19 is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. This is unacceptable because it endorses the Jewish calendar (which holds that God created the earth 5,770 years ago) and even encourages worship at the synagogues.  Let’s ban it.

September 22, the First Day of Autumn, is the pagan autumnal equinox (see March 20).  Let’s ban it.

September 25 is Native American Day. The meaning is vague — are all those who were born in this country native Americans? But long before the coming of the Europeans, most Native American cultures were deeply religious. Native American Day might be perceived as endorsing Native American religions, just as Norwegian Day might be perceived as endorsing Lutheranism or Italian Day might be perceived as endorsing Roman Catholicism.  Let’s ban it.

September 28 is the Jewish Yom Kippur or Day of Atonement, a holiday that burdens those who lack the self-discipline to fast and lays a guilt trip on people by suggesting that they have sins to atone for.  Let’s ban it.

October 9, Leif Ericson Day, celebrates the Norse discovery of America around 1000. The problem is, according to Eirik’s Saga, Leif had spent a winter in the court of King Olaf Trygvasson of Norway, and King Olaf converted Leif to Christianity, and when he returned to Greenland, Leif converted most of the Norse Greenlanders to Christianity as well.. The Graenlendiga Saga describes Leif’s voyage to America in Christian terms. Obviously, Leif Erickson Day is a subterfuge to impose Christianity upon this secular nation.  Now that we’ve exposed the holiday for what it really is, let’s ban it.

October 11-17 is National School Lunch Week. But somewhere in the United States, even in a public school, some child might say a prayer before eating lunch. Clearly unconstitutional; let’s ban it. In fact, maybe we should just ban lunch all week.  The best way  to stop people from giving thanks is to make sure they have nothing to be thankful for.

October 12. Columbus Day, discriminates against Norwegians who want to honor Leif Ericson as the discoverer of America, and also demeans Native Americans who objected to being discovered. Furthermore, Columbus’s journal and Book of Prophecies clearly show that a major purpose of his voyage was to win souls for Jesus Christ.  Let’s ban it.

October 24 is United Nations Day. This is offensive to those of us who reject a UN blue beret in favor of the red, white, and blue, and besides, the United Nations Building seems a lot like the Tower of Babel of Genesis 11.  Let’s ban both of them.

October 31, Halloween, establishes the pagan religion and sends a message of exclusion to those whose religious beliefs prevent them from dressing up as witches, ghosts and goblins. This isn’t so bad, since those who object are mostly Christians and therefore outside the protection of the First Amendment. But the Roman Catholic Church has made October 31 All Hallows Eve, and it is also Reformation Day, the day Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses.  Some churches even hold Reformation parties on Halloween night!  Let’s ban it, and ban the 95 Theses as well.

November 1, All Saints Day, sends a message of exclusion to sinners, even saved sinners.  Let’s ban it.

November 1 is also the end of Daylight Saving Time. This offends those who don’t want to drive home in the dark, those who now think they have less time to get a suntan, and pagans who think they have one less hour to worship the sun.   Let’s ban it.

November 3 is Election Day in New Jersey and Virginia. But this discriminates against those who cannot vote, will not vote, or get out-voted.  Besides, talk of “election” sounds too Presbyterian.  Let’s ban it.

November 11, Veterans Day, not only sends a message of exclusion to those who did not have the courage to serve their country, but also is sexist because most veterans are men. And most of those veterans took an oath to support and defend the Constitution, “so help me God.”  Let’s ban it.

November 26 – Thanksgiving? Thanks to Whom? The offensive religious implications are obvious, not to mention the fact that Thanksgiving is associated with the Pilgrim oppressors of Native Americans.  Let’s ban it.

December 7 is National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day. But in his Pearl Harbor Address in which he asked Congress to declare war on Japan, President Roosevelt declared, “With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph – so help us God.” Why did FDR have to ruin that speech by getting religious?  One might think he even believed we needed God’s help.  We have no choice; we have to ban it.

December 12, the First Day of Chanukah, is offensive to the descendants of Antiochus Epiphanes, discriminates against those who can’t spell Hanukkah or pronounce Chanukah, and against those who prefer darkness to the candle light of menorahs.  Let’s ban it.

December 21, the First Day of Winter, is the pagan winter solstice.  (See March 20, June 21, and September 23.) Since pagans insist that paganism is a religion entitled to the protection of the First Amendment’s Free Exercise Clause, it should also be subject to the prohibitions of the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause, though admittedly that would be applying to the Constitution a logical consistency that the courts are reluctant to employ.  Let’s ban it.

December 25, Christmas Day. The offensiveness of this holiday is too obvious to mention. I shouldn’t even have used the word “Christmas.”  Let’s ban it.

December 26, the First Day of Kwanzaa, sends a message of exclusion to non-Africans and to all those who don’t know what Kwanzaa is and are too lazy to find out.  Let’s ban it.

December 31, New Years’s Eve, offends those who do not believe in celebrations that involve drinking and revelry, sends a message of exclusion to all those whose idea of a wild night is putting a scoop of real coffee in with the decaf, and also implies recognition of the Gregorian Calendar (See January 1).  Let’s ban it.

So we see that every holiday listed on the 2009 calendar can be offensive to someone. In fact, the very word “holiday” comes from “holy day” and is therefore an establishment of religion. And we see how thoroughly religion, and particularly Christianity, is embedded in our culture, and how difficult it will be to exorcise Christianity from our public life.

To avoid giving offense, therefore, we must ban all holiday observances. But the Constitution doesn’t say this, so we need to amend the Constitution to say “All holy days are banned.” Or maybe not. The courts seem to think they can amend the Constitution just by re-interpreting it, so this may be unnecessary.

Admittedly, we will lose much of the richness of our cultural heritage, and life will be much more banal and unexciting. But at least we won’t offend anyone. Except those of us who like holidays.

Or maybe there’s an alternative. Why don’t we all just lighten up a little, and not look for things to be offended about? Last week I ran into a Jewish friend while shopping; we shook hands, talked about old times, and wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. Whether it be Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, Ramadan, or Winter Solstice, why don’t we all celebrate our holidays and be enriched by each other?

Now, doesn’t that give tolerance and diversity a new twist?

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  1. AmeriXan MARK (http://www NULL.myspace says:

    Clever article. You forgot September 11, Patriots Day.

    It’s offensive to Moslem, terrorists who want the right to kill AmeriXans.

    Thanks for your writing skills and analysis. I appreciate them.

    AmeriXan Mark

  2. Dr. Erniepaul Izereckt (http://www NULL.myspace says:

    I’m offended that U 4got HOLY PERVERTS DAY wich is actually every day of the year but,U could have at least given it a mention:)

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